Am I too nice at Work?

Dear Jennifer —

My quick answer…Yes. And yes… although I prefer the word “respected” to “feared”. 

The question of whether it is better to be liked or to be respected in the workplace is something all leaders (at all levels of the organization) struggled with at some point in their careers. It is common for managers to think you have to be one or the other.

Picture this: You walk into the office like a no-nonsense drill sergeant, barking orders left and right, and your team trembles at your very presence. 

Anxiety and dread seem to be a constant in the atmosphere – including your mood. However, deadlines are met and targets are hit, but at what cost, and for how long? 

Your colleagues don’t speak unless spoken to. They don’t bring up problems. They cower in the corner, avoiding eye contact like you’re the office equivalent of a Jurassic Park raptor. Not exactly a great environment to inspire your best work, is it?

On the other hand, being liked is like having an office full of puppies and rainbows. Everyone gets along fabulously, and you’re the team’s favorite person to chat with during lunch breaks. 

But when deadlines are missed and revenues fall behind – because we couldn’t possibly create conflict and put someone on the hotseat – the harmony can quickly turn into chaos. And in the end, the very tension and discord you hate quickly sets in.

Granted these are extreme scenarios of well-intended management gone bad, but ultimately they make the point that the “not-so-secret” secret is: It’s not about being liked OR feared. It’s about finding the balance – the sweet spot in the middle of the level. 

You can maintain your friendly nature while setting clear expectations and holding your team accountable. It’s all about finding that delicate balance between being approachable and maintaining authority.

Now for my CEO confession, Wendell.

I have … ahem, the opposite of your problem. I have in the past been described in certain circles as a cross between a robot and a drill sergeant. Until you got to know me and trust my motivations, this was an easy assumption to make.

I’ve had to work hard to move my open default setting from the “just the results now” mode, to a setting that had equal parts approachability and dare I say, humanity.Beyond the business KPIs, I worked to create and improve my relationship KPIs. I got feedback on how well I was matching my impact with my intent. I connected 1:1 with greater frequency, and learned about my team members’ interests and passions outside of work. I found the more I knew about the people I managed, the better I understood how to motivate and get the best performances out of each of them. 

Yes, you can be kind and understanding while also communicating the importance of meeting deadlines and delivering results. Inject a dash of humor in your morning meetings, share a bit about yourself in 1:1s, and learn about your employees. These acts are small but powerful relational investments that can make tough talks easier and personalize your leadership style.

Now here are a couple of things you can do to move your own default settings closer to the center.

Lead by example: Show your team what it means to be a dedicated and responsible employee. Demonstrate your own commitment to deadlines and quality work. 

Communicate clear expectations: Clearly define goals, deadlines, and project requirements. Make sure your team understands what is expected of them, and provide the necessary resources and support to help them succeed.

Give praise and recognition: Acknowledge and appreciate your team’s hard work and achievements. Publicly recognize their efforts and let them know their contributions are valued.

Provide constructive (and often) feedback: When offering feedback, be specific, constructive, and focused on finding solutions. Help your team members grow and improve by providing guidance and support.

Foster open communication: Create an environment where your team feels comfortable sharing their ideas, concerns, and feedback. Encourage open dialogue and listen actively to their input.

Balance empathy and accountability: Understand your team members’ challenges and support them when needed. At the same time, hold them accountable for their responsibilities and the team’s goals.

Encourage teamwork and collaboration: Promote a sense of unity and cooperation among your team members. Foster a collaborative environment where everyone feels valued and included.

Continue to develop your leadership skills: Continuously invest in your own growth as a leader. Seek opportunities to enhance your skills and knowledge, and lead with confidence and integrity.

Remember, being nice doesn’t mean being a pushover, and being tough doesn’t mean being a tyrant. By nurturing a positive work environment and fostering open communication, you can build a team that respects you, your leadership, and the project goals. 

And who knows, you might even get some extra brownie points for your charming personality.😁

In the end, being liked AND respected is the ultimate goal. So, embrace your niceness, embrace your assertiveness, and lead your team with balance. 

Sincerely,